I'm Scared I Might Kill My Baby

A mom is chopping vegetables for dinner and suddenly has the thought about a knife being dangerous and next thing she knows, she is having a thought about stabbing her child. Terrified that she even had that thought she puts the knife down, but can’t stop worrying that she may be capable of harming her child.

Another new mom is changing her son’s diaper. She thinks about how innocent and vulnerable a baby is. She wonders how anyone can molest children. Then she begins to wonder why she was even thinking that. She questions if she was thinking that because maybe deep down she is some sort of pedophile. She becomes tormented by this thought and is consumed by fear that she may molest her son. She begins to wonder what kind of monster she is to even think this and dreads changing his diaper and bath time. 

One of the most terrifying and misunderstood postpartum disorders is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD can take different forms, many people are somewhat familiar with certain types like the fear of contamination that leads to compulsive cleaning and hand washing. Intrusive thoughts is another category of OCD that often involves unwanted and repetitive thoughts involving violent or sexual thoughts and images. For postpartum women, intrusive thoughts tend to focus on their child. Thoughts may be about something horrible happening to their child and/or fear that the mother herself may hurt the child. 

Because most women have no idea what intrusive thoughts are, they often suffer in silence, too afraid to tell anyone what they are thinking. The important thing to understand is that what is happening is OCD, an anxiety disorder. OCD makes thoughts get stuck in your head and gain more power over you the more you try to fight them. That is why it is important to remember that these are just thoughts. Because you are thinking them, does not mean you will act on them or have any remote desire to act on them. We all have weird, random thoughts. Typically, we may have a weird thought and then just move on without analyzing it or thinking it has any meaning. However, when you are more vulnerable to depression and anxiety, like in the postpartum period, these thoughts may feel harder to ignore and you can’t let go of thinking it has some deeper meaning. 

You don’t have to suffer with intrusive thoughts. A therapist experienced in treating OCD can help you learn how to react to them. This mainly involves understanding these are just thoughts, learning to not fight them or try to block them, and practice tolerating the anxiety of experiencing these thoughts. You may also want to consider talking to your doctor. Not all doctors are familiar with postpartum OCD, so If you are not comfortable disclosing what you are experiencing, you can explain that you have been suffering with high anxiety. 

Just know that you are not crazy, you are not evil, and you are not alone. This is temporary and treatable. You are a great mom.