Good Moms Have Bad Days

Motherhood. No matter how well-prepared we think we are for the all-consuming experience of being responsible for another human's every need, we're not. Its intensity is nearly impossible to understand until we are smack-dab in the middle of an all-nighter followed up by a morning errand that involves an hour and half of preparation just to get out the door. And that's before you realize that you have milk and spit up all over your new favorite outfit consisting of yoga pants and the t-shirt you slept in last night. 

As exhausting as the physical demands are, they can pale in comparison to the emotional roller coaster that never lets you off. Love and adoration can easily give way to anxiety and doubt. While some women seemingly ease into their new role, others struggle to find balance and joy. The negative feelings that can come with motherhood are talked about so little that women often worry that something is seriously wrong with them as mothers. We all know the good things that come with raising children, but we need to talk more about our uncertainty and fears and let go of the idea that good mothers never have fantasies of vacations in tropical locations WITHOUT their children. So, let's dispel some of those modern, mommy myths.

The bond between mother and child is not always instant. While you no doubt love your child and want the best for them, that unconditional, indestructible bond you have always heard about may not appear the second you meet. Many factors can affect how you bond with your baby including the circumstances around the pregnancy (it was unplanned, there is a strenuous relationship with the father, the pregnancy was very difficult), your own physical and mental health, and just simply because there is no exact formula for bonding with your baby.  It does not mean that you are a bad mother and that you are never going to feel closer to your baby. All relationship take time to develop as you get to know each other and the mother-child relationship is no different. Give it time to grow.

No one else immediately knows what they are doing either. For some reason, we tend to have the assumption that good mothers always know just what their baby needs and know exactly how to do it. Advice from family and friends (and strangers) can make you second-guess your mothering abilities and wonder why they don't think you have a handle on things. An unconsolable, crying baby can make you believe that you don't know how to soothe your own child. And those Facebook posts with photos of sleeping babies whose mothers are proclaiming that their precious angels have been sleeping through the night since 3 weeks old make you want to punch the computer and head out to the nearest happy hour.  However, the truth is that there is no perfect mom out there who magically knows just what to do at all times. Everyone learns from experience. Babies have different temperaments. Moms have different personalities. Households run differently. You will get to know what works best for your child and your family. You may not always know exactly what your child needs, but you will figure it out. 

You will miss your old life. This doesn't mean you wish your child wasn't born. It does mean you will think fondly of the good ole days of accepting a dinner invitation without needing two weeks notice to plan for a sitter, showering whenever you want, or going to the grocery store without running NASCAR-like around the store in an attempt to avoid a level-10 meltdown. You may be surprised to realize that you now recognize 5 minutes alone in the bathroom to be a cherished part of your day or that getting up at 6:45am is considered sleeping in. And many women I talk to secretly, or not-so-secretly, are counting the minutes until they can return to work. All of this is normal and okay. Having times when you wish simple tasks were not as complicated as they are now does not mean that you don't love your child. Even though your world has changed, it is important to plan and make time for yourself. Motherhood may be the most important thing in your life right now, but it is not the only thing. Remember that you still need friendship, hobbies, and purpose besides motherhood. You will be a better mom and a healthier human being if you do.

Everything is not going to go as you have planned. This is especially hard for the type-A personalities to digest. Caring for a tiny human requires a lot of planning. You definitely need to develop some sort of routine and don't want to be caught off-gaurd without diapers and necessary supplies. However, given that children are free spirits of their own, you cannot control every factor in their life to produce the outcome you most desire. The more rigid you are in terms of your expectations, the more you are setting yourself up to be disappointed and frustrated. You can save yourself unnecessary anxiety by accepting that some elements will be out of your control. It doesn't mean YOU are losing control. Approaching motherhood with some flexibility and an understanding that we may have to change course at times can go a long way in preserving your sanity. 

You might end up resenting your very supportive partner.  You and your partner have alway divided up household duties and responsibilities. It was never assumed that you would be responsible for all of the domestic duties simply because of your gender. Your relationship has been built on mutual respect and equality. Then why do you find yourself glaring at his peacefully sleeping body and wishing you could stop his snoring by smothering him with a pillow? It may be that as the mother you find yourself the sole source of food if you are breastfeeding which makes for a lot of long nights and hazy days. You are also more likely (in the US at least) to be the one taking a longer maternity leave or choosing to stay home. So, he assumes you know exactly what to do and he doesn't want to get in the way or be accused of doing something wrong. Your typically insightful partner has seemingly regressed into some sort of child-like version of himself that has to be told what simple childcare task to do next, and you figure that you shouldn't have to tell him what to do, so you will just do it yourself. You end up angry, resentful, and exhausted. You can choose to keep things this way because he most likely is not going to magically transform into a baby whisperer. Or, you can communicate how you are feeling, what you need, and what he can do to be helpful. The latter is more likely to give you some type of relief rather than waiting for him to acquire the ability to read your mind. 

You are not going to permanently scar your child. The heated debates around various parenting philosophies and techniques are enough to leave you petrified of the long-term damage you may impart on your child if you do things the wrong way. Obviously, a framework of love, encouragement, and stability are essential. I am not saying that the parenting path you implore has no effect on you child. I am saying that your child is not automatically on a path of doom because you let her eat Fruity Pebbles or watch too much TV on rainy days. In the 15 years I have been working as a therapist, I have never had anyone tell me their depression or anxiety stems from being bottle-fed or because mom went back to work too soon. The people that have emotional issues and resentments stemming from childhood typically have endured parents that have abandoned them, frequently put them down, abused them, or showed a disregard for their feelings and wellbeing.  A lack of homemade, organic meals or perfectly-implemented enrichment activities has never been a complaint. 

It is okay to talk about the challenges of motherhood. "Did you ever know you could love something so much?". "Everyday is a blessing".  "Nothing else matters anymore". Hearing heartfelt comments from well-intentioned folks gush about motherhood makes you wonder if your the only one that wants to hide under covers when the baby is waking . Of course you are not going to delve into a heartfelt discussion with every person that asks about your child. Yet, If we started talking more about the diversity of feelings that accompany motherhood, we could start to normalize mixed feelings and let go of the guilt. It makes us feel less alone and more understood. Many of the women I see struggling with ambivalence about motherhood, feel that any frustration or doubt is sign that they must be a horrible mother because "this is not how I am supposed to feel". We need to let go of the idea that we "should" or "should not" be feeling something. That only creates a cycle of guilt and loneliness. Know that your feelings are not right or wrong. Of course, if you have constant sadness and anxiety, then it is time to talk to a professional. But, if you find yourself with a mix of good days and bad days, joy and frustration, bliss and overwhelming stress...welcome to motherhood.