Cognitive Distortions of Motherhood

We all have ways of thinking that distort reality a bit and make us feel bad about ourselves or others. Therapists call these thoughts cognitive distortions. They become much more frequent and intense when we are depressed or anxious, making us feel even worse. The distortions become so automatic, that we are often not even aware of how we are thinking. One of the most important elements to improving mental health and self esteem, is to become aware of how we are thinking and learn how we can challenge thoughts that are not accurate. 

In my experience, moms really know how to turn up the distorted thinking and channel it into all sorts of guilt and negative self judgement. The following examples of cognitive distortions are used by all types of humans, but I want to highlight some examples of how they can particularly apply to moms.

All-or Nothing You think in absolutes. It is black or white with no gray, good or bad with no acknowledgement of all the possibilities in between. Perfectionist frequently use all-or-nothing thinking.

Examples: I got frustrated and raised my voice at my children. I am a terrible mother.

If I don’t have perfect, beautiful decorations and food for my daughter’s birthday, then her day will be ruined.

Catastrophic: You take one minor issues and automatically predict the worst-case scenario.

Examples: My daughter’s preschool teacher told me that she has been not wanting to share lately. Something must be wrong with her and she is going to be labeled as the kid that is a troublemaker. She will probably continue to have a lot of emotional and behavior problems throughout her years in school. 

It is cold and flu season. If my son gets sick he will be hospitalized or die.

Should/Shouldn’t - You use should (or shouldn’t) in statements that create a sense of guilt.

Examples: I should be happy and enjoying my maternity leave. 

I shouldn’t miss having time to myself. 

Mindreading You make assumptions about what others are thinking.

Examples: When my friend told me about the parenting book she is reading, she was trying to give hints that she thinks I am a bad mom.

My husband isn’t talking as much tonight. He must be mad at me.

Reverse Mindreading You think others (mainly your partner) should know what you’re thinking. These often involve some should statement.

Example: He should know that I am exhausted and need him to clean up the kitchen. I shouldn’t have to tell him.

Social Media Comparison: You look at photos and posts and assume people are leading perfect, happy lives without considering it is only a pictures of a moment in time. People often want to share positive things and not all of the dirty details of their problems. 

Examples: She is always doing such great activities with their kids. I’m so lazy and boring.

They always look like such a happy couple. I bet they never fight like we do.

Magnification/Minimization You focus on the negative and minimize the positive. If you acknowledge the positive, there is often a “but” statement that follows to discredit or minimize the good.

Example: We were able to all sit down together and have a dinner that everyone liked, but I really should have made something healthier. 

My kids had a great time at the park today, but I was tired and didn’t play with them enough.

Double Standard You apply a higher set of standards to yourself.

Example: You think other moms have a right to feel exhausted and take a break when there are too many activities to manage, but not you. You think you should be able to handle everything on your own without complaint. 

Overgeneralization You take one instance and apply it to all.

Example: I felt nervous and awkward at the mom’s group, so I know I will never make new friends.

I realize I have some of these thinking patterns, now what?

Changing how you think starts with awareness. Thought patterns become so ingrained and automatic that we often don’t even realize what we are thinking. It takes a lot of practice and effort to recognize cognitive distortions, but it you start to notice what you are thinking when you are feeling especially stressed, anxious, angry or sad, then you will better understand how your thinking is affecting your mood. 

So, when you realize your thinking involves cognitive distortions, what do you actually do about it? You want to be able to acknowledge that how you are thinking is not quite accurate and look at a better way to reframe your thoughts to something more realistic. 

Thought: “I got frustrated and raised my voice at my children. I am a terrible mother. “

Reframe: Although I wish I hadn’t raised my voice, I have had a long exhausting day. It is normal for moms to feel frustrated.

Thought: “It is cold and flu season. If my son gets sick he will be hospitalized or die.”

Reframe: I will take normal precautions to prevent illness, but I know that illness is a common part of childhood. The likelihood that something serious would happen to him is very low. I can talk to his pediatrician if there is a problem.

Thought: “I shouldn’t miss having time to myself. “

Reframe: It is normal to want time to do things I want to do.

These are just a few examples to give you an idea. Thought patterns don’t change overnight, so give yourself some time. Remember, reframing distortions isn’t just happy thoughts to trick yourself into feeling better. Depression and anxiety will lie to you and make you believe things that aren’t true. Working towards more a realistic perception, can make a dramatic difference in your overall wellbeing.